Human Dystopia – Chapter 4 Examples

Screenshots of examples

Original – Example 4-1 – Screenshot

Original – Example 4-2 – Screenshot

Changes and Comments – Example 4-1 – Screenshot

Changes and Comments – Example 4-2 – Screenshot

Final Version – Example 4-1 – Screenshot

Final Version – Example 4-2 – Screenshot

Mini style sheet


stigmatizing (depends on if US spelling, or –ize spelling, is selected)


local enforcement network (could be capitalised depending on more instances and consistency)

Word choice

golden nugget/golden slave chip/slave chip/Control Chip


1. Chapter 4 is short. Perhaps it can be lengthened or added to another chapter to maintain chapter length consistency. A query to the author will be fit for this purpose.

2. There is a lot of repetition and unnecessary words, telling the reader information they have already read: ‘where the Champion had bitten him’ in paragraph 5.

3. The writing style is more formal at times, talking about Joshua from the point of view of a narrator rather than Joshua’s point of view, and this is especially the case in the last paragraph, which is rather descriptive of the world Joshua lives in, and it’s not obvious why Joshua would be having these thoughts. Perhaps a specific example of Joshua’s struggle would help show his hatred for the Champion and his experience with the slave chip in this chapter, and in the last paragraph how the changes in Mereza District have a personal and specific impact on Joshua, rather than telling the reader. A query to the author saying as much may help.